Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
