How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
