I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
