No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
