I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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