If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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