He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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