I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
