Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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