Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What drink are we having for lunch?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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