She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
