whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
