we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
