i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
