I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
