hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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