I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
