so that wasnt chicken after all
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My dick has a subreddit
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
