I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Sponge bath it is.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
