she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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