I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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