mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
