my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
