Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He uses pillows to masturbate.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
