Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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