literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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