I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
