I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
