i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
