I hate your face
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
