my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
