I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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