Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
