walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
