i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
