What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
