yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
