Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
