bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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