that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
