my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
