Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
