if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
barbara walters just said penis...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
