Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
