Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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