Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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