Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
