I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
