I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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