I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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