from now on my penis is your penis
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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