The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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